Dear Vicki: My husband and I are having some difficulties and I hope you can help me. We’ve lost some of the playfulness we had together and I’m worried. Can you help?

"I’m familiar with the Five Elements model and how the elements keep each other in balance by either giving energy or taking it away. And in the model, that makes sense. But when that gets applied to people, I don’t understand how controlling someone can ever be good."

"Dear Vicki: I know these are difficult times for many people, but the chaos became personal for me last month when the art gallery where I’ve worked for 20 years was sold. As an artist and homemaker, I so appreciated that the previous owner was a kind, gentle soul who ran a gallery that allowed for the joy of discovering art to steal over his patrons in a quiet way. But he retired and the new owner, Mr. Miller, is a bombastic man who thinks he needs to hit people over the head with ads, promotions, and events to increase attendance. The chaos he creates on a daily basis terrifies me. What can I do?"

"Dear Vicki: One of my employees constantly gives me trouble. He’s impossible to keep in line. Whenever we have a plan in place, without asking he will change it on the fly. Without permission, he comes dressed in a clown costume to entertain the seniors we serve. I have reminded him of our guidelines dozens of times, and he seems surprised and contrite, but nothing changes."

"Dear Vicki: Since things started opening back up after the pandemic, I don’t really like the world out there. I’m an artist who is on one of the lucky ones – I’ve been able to manifest a successful career by hustling to sell my work. But now that I’m out and about, things feel so harsh. Everywhere I go, I encounter controlling, pushy people telling me what I have to do or even how I should think or act. I’m exhausted, and there are days I either want to hide under the covers or scream at people out of frustration. What’s wrong with me? And can I please change the world around me? Signed: Angry in Arlington"

"I have been happily married for a long time to a guy I love dearly. He is retired now from his position as a researcher, which he excelled at because he always came up with the most imaginative ways to approach whatever he was working on. But since retiring, he seems stuck and unable to act on many of the “new” ideas he has for himself. He is initially very enthusiastic about a particular topic, but doesn’t seem able to follow through, so quickly loses interest and moves on to the next idea that attracts him. He is very intelligent, but seems to fear not being able to do things perfectly enough to share with the world. I have been a stay-at-home mom most of my adult life, although I always do part time accounting work during tax season. I want to help him, but am not sure what to do."

Four years ago, I posted a blog following what seemed to be a particularly contentious and divisive election in 2016 America. Sadly, it appears that little has changed in America over the past four years and the election held here earlier this week is on its way to becoming even more divisive than the previous one. In my 2016 post, I explored the role the Five Elements played in that election with the hope that a greater understanding of the dynamics at play would help heal the country. That remains the impetus and hope behind re-sharing that (annotated) 2016 post today.

“Cal and I met when we were in law school. He was smart, funny, and very outgoing. I was more serious but somehow, we clicked. We married right out of law school and life was fast-paced and passionate.... Two years ago, things changed. He worked longer hours, played harder, and has been around less and less. And when he is home, we fight and there’s no passion left. I finally confronted him last month and he admitted that there’s someone else who, as he puts it, is more fun than I am. I still love him and want Alma to have a full-time father.”

“My husband Roland is a truly kind person, but he has a deep appreciation for structure and doing things the “right” way. Since the pandemic hit, Roland has become judgmental, overly critical, and even somewhat sloppy. His art gallery has reopened, and sales are picking up, but Roland isn’t getting back to his usual self. I’ve tried to support him by bringing cookies and his favorite lunches to the gallery but nothing seems to work. Help!”

“I’m the mom of two small children and having them home so much lately has given me an opportunity to observe more closely the ways they act with other family members. Are children’s elemental personalities already fixed in place when they are 4 years old and 7 years old?”

“I hope you can help me understand my younger brother. Growing up, Gavin ran instead of walked, jumped around when excited, and always seemed busy. When we were little, I wanted to stay inside and color or read, but that bored him. In high school, he was on the pep squad and in theater. Just watching him made me tired and irritable. It still does. We’re in our early twenties now and have both moved back home temporarily to take care of our aging parents during the pandemic. I find myself wanting to be around him less and less, which is pretty hard in a small house with so much shut down these days.”

“Our daughter divorced last year and when the pandemic started, she moved back home with her two-year-old son. Since they’ve been with us, Weston has really changed. I thought this would be a great time for our family with Stacy managing her IT team from here and Weston’s promotion. But my previously optimistic, go with the flow husband has become a gloomy cynic who ignores Stacy, picks on Jimmy, and eats potato chips like there’s no tomorrow.”

“My widowed mother passed away earlier this year. My older brother, Paul, was named executor. He is very responsible and orderly and has approached this task like it’s the most important thing in the world. But I think I have something to offer the process. Paul has a woman who wants to buy Mom’s house, but I think the price is too low and we should wait until the pandemic is over. I have tried discussing this, but he refuses to budge. How can I approach Paul and this situation without inflaming it?”

“I know these are difficult times for all of us, but I’m having trouble with my husband. We both work outside of the home so used to spend time together just on weekends. Now we’re together almost 24/7. Lately my kind, intelligent, hardworking guy has turned into a fussy, opinionated jerk who rants continuously about everything. I’m actually enjoying the quiet time at home to catch up on reading, but he’s like a caged animal. How do we get along?”

“Sami has been my best friend for over a decade. She said she never wanted to be tied down, but that changed last year when she met Hans. Sami really fell for him, and he seemed to feel the same about her. After about six months of what looked to me like crazy, happy, almost all the time togetherness – including sheltering together at Sami’s during this pandemic – Hans left Sami last week for a meditation instructor. Sami’s totally depressed and not herself. What can I do to help her get Hans back?”

“I have 14-year-old twins who are as different as night and day. With sheltering in place, the four of us are spending almost every waking moment together in our small house. It’s not going well. Tammy thinks Ted is a downer and Ted thinks Tammy lacks substance. My husband thinks they’re both spoiled brats that I clearly failed to raise well as a stay-at-home mom. Do you have any advice for a mom trying desperately to hold her family together during a pandemic?”

“Having everyone at home all of the time is driving me crazy. I’m impatient, cranky, and overwhelmed. I’d love some help, but my husband’s job is more intense than mine, so I haven’t asked him. This means homeschooling our 10-year-old falls to me. I wish we could all go to our separate rooms and get work done, but Sammy wants to help me with all the meals, but she just makes it harder to get things done the right way. My normal perfection is out the window! What can I do to get better?”

“I’ve been dating an artist for three months and we’re really good together in many ways. We have great discussions and he takes my opinions seriously, which is a refreshing change. I like Craig a lot, but there is something about him that’s really hard to take. If he says he’ll call on Monday, he might not call until Wednesday. If he’s supposed to pick me up at 6:00 pm, sometimes he doesn’t show up until 7:00 pm.”

“I’m writing about my son, Kirk. Last fall Kirk signed up for a drafting class with a teacher I’ll call Mr. Lane. Kirk loved the artistic aspects of the class and appreciated the structure Mr. Lane brought. All was well until Mr. Lane received our district’s Teacher of the Year award. According to Kirk, after that Mr. Lane began demanding greater accuracy and precision from this beginning drafting class. He also started bragging about the award and other accomplishments he’d had that the students would probably never obtain. Kirk is having a really hard time with this and wants to quit the class.”

“I’m writing about my partner Lizzie. We’ve run a small auction business for several years and have done really well. I run our office, but Lizzie runs the auctions. Our auction house burned down several months ago and while I took it philosophically Lizzie was devastated. I’ve done everything I can think of to get her to see things the way I do, but nothing I’ve said or done has perked her up. Not even breaking ground for our new building. How can I help her get enthusiastic again?”